Saturday, June 13, 2009

The Retrospective Perspective

I was lying in bed last night and staring into the ceiling. I do this occasionally. I imagine a copy of myself has emerged from the original and is staring at me. For the moment I become the copy on the ceiling.......Like it happens in the movies. I take stock of my life as a whole......birth to death and where I stand now. I look back at the path I have trodden and I try and clear the path for the future. I do this occasionally. The occasions are triggered by events during the day. If any event during the day has particularly jolted me, I let my copy come out at night.

Today the copy on the ceiling was giving me a dressing down on relations. It was teaching me "The Art of Maintaining Relations". I am a Cencerian. They call us the 'roots' kind of people. We take great pleasure in the comforts of home, family and friends. We are also famously called the 'crabs'. We are quick to retreat into our shells if it suits our mood. I am also a relation oriented person. Over the years, I have realised that my relationships fall into three categories:-

1. My Family. Its only my immediate family I am talking about here. My parents, brother (his wife and daughter), wife. The rest of my extended family falls into one of the other two categories. I believe in giving my family space. I may not be around all the time showing them my love and concern, but the slightest shadow of need and I will be there. I love my family

2. My acquaintances. These are most of the people I know. I meet them, I am cordial. I am friendly, its a friendship on a "as required basis". They need me I help them, and I hope when i need them they are there. Nothing very special about this category.

3. My Close Friends. This is where the problem lies. Now whether this arises from me being a crab or due to certain complex within myself I am not sure. This is where I was getting this therapeutic tongue lashing from my copy. I have a circle around myself, my space. This is the category of my relations whom I let enter into my space. Its like now I have them under my wings. My family is here and these friends are here. The rest are on the other side.

I tend to cling to these close friends. I like them to be around me always. There are not many of these but there are a few. I like to be in touch with them constantly. I don't mind being pro active in the balance. I can be the one to call, to message, to mail, to chat and I can be the one each and every time. I like having the continuous knowledge of what is happening in their lives, whether they need help or support. Basically I like remaining connected. Sometimes it gets suffocating.

This is what the copy on the ceiling was trying to get into my head.

"Just because they are in your inner circle, does not automatically mean you are there in theirs".

"You may want to stay connected, maybe they do not".

It was getting to me. I had noticed that some of these close friends had tended to call it quits with me in the recent years. maybe that is what my copy was telling me. All those people were not cancerians. Maybe they had no circle at all, so there was no question of me being there. They left my circle, i felt bad as I meant no harm. That was just my way of being nice, of making them feel special.

I am still confused.

Maybe I will let my copy come out again tonight.


Writer & Filmmaker said...

It is difficult to let go...especially when one has no clue why they wanna go....or what has one done to deserve it. It's best to let them go...

There are two more catagiroes of people in life that I have seen -

1. The ones who have shaped your life in some way or the other (for better or worse)...thru one small gesture...a little incident....or just in the passing. But have now moved away to a diplomatic distance. We often forget to acknowledge them. It's nice to go back in time....find them out...look into the eye...and smile a thank you.

2. The ones you hate or are on negative terms with. They do take up a sizable chunk of space in ones heart n head. It is not always possible to forgive & forget. And it is all right if someone thinks that you are not a nice person. Even God doesn't have 100% following :)

Anindita said...

Samit...I have really liked all of them...will be waiting for more....