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Friday, August 14, 2009

Bondage...err...Marriage


A thick pal of mine.....beshht friend I'd call him if we were in school was speaking to me over a couple of drinks last week end.....He was fed up with his wife. "She doesn't let me do this, she doesn't let me do that".....he rattled on.."If I am away for more than an hour she calls in to check where I am....I have to call her thrice from office".....That discussion ended that day with a few more drinks, a couple of fags and a trip to Hardrock Cafe to sway to the hard rock music......but the next day and since....I have been thinking......

"What is marriage?"

Now I am sure everyone has their own answers to this question. Happily married, unhappily married, just married, enough married, unmarried girls, unmarried guys.......I am sure each has a different answer.......I dont want to dwelve into the answers that these people have on their minds...I have my own definition of the word marriage.

I remember looking at my Mama and Mami as a young kid and thinking how wonderfully married they were.....After I grew up, I asked Mami the secret....."Space" she said...that's what it is all about. I did not comprehend the enormity of that word in marriage until I got married and luckily for me, the wife and I got to stay close to them for a loooong time and I daresay our relationship is modelled on theirs.

A person does not stop being himself after marriage. Before marriage he has friends, he has ambitions, desires, hobbies, parents, moods, habits......so does the other partner. One cannot expect that after marriage, a person just pulls the reins of his life and hands them over to this partner for leading him.

Marriages last in India today as thankfully we still believe in traditions and customs and Divorce is taboo. But not for long...we are catching up with the west and already the number of divorce cases popping up in courts is increasing. As a very learned friend of mine recently told me...the two maximum number of court cases today are cheque bounces and divorces.

I think the marriage can only work if the partners respect each others individuality and provide each other with the space and freedom to grow. The relation is built on trust. If I am happy in marriage, if I love my wife and my family I will not stray and even if I do...I wont get far as this love will pull me back. Mind you, not the nagging of my wife...but her love will pull me back. In the other case, if my partner keeps suspecting me, nagging me, pulling me....I am more likely to stray.

Give the partner his time. Let him hang out with HIS friends occassionally. Give him time to persue his hobbies. Better still, try and enjoy each others hobbies and spend time together doing that. The trick is not just to spend time together but to spend quality time together. Spending two hours a day respectfully and lovingly conversing and cuddling is far better than spending the whole day together fighting and spitting venom on each other.

People say they get married when they grow up....I say get married and then grow up.



2 comments:

neerja.dhar said...

" perspective as we call it...its just the perspective how u see things....you might think someone is not giving u space but the truth can be that she loves u way too much to think of staying away from you...or u can think someone is giving u a lot of space but the reality might be she just doesn't care wat u do!...Judgemental attitude at the end never helps...the main key of success is understanding...and nothing else...

Suravi said...

"What is marriage?"For me marriage is "We"."Honey we can do it,Honey we have to do it....
We have to do it together .....work as a team". Not for one day,a week,a month...but for a long long time to go.
Times when it is good,bad times,the hard times and times when your child is sick or if you have a special aid

child...we will take turns...we will do it.
Marriage is making a lot...means....a lot of sacrifices.Day to day sacrifices,big....very
big ones,small.....Sacrifices made from the husband to the wife,from the wife to the husband,sacrifices for your

child.It has to be made and felt....very important...felt by each other.I think this is one of the key elements of

a good marriage.It can never work if the word "sacrifice" is not there in the marriage.
Change....yes we do change after marriage....that is if only we want to...if we want to
make our marriage better.So many of our habits,behaviour,personality changes.But it does'nt come that easily or

overnight.The pain is experienced again and again and again....the tears are felt..then we change.We change

because of the love in the marriage...love for each other.Because we want to be a better person.
And last but not the least Space.....for me not one of the most important ones.
It automatically happens when everthing else is worked out well.
I agree......people say they get married when they grow up...I say..get married and then

grow up together as a team ....as a family.